Because Apparently We Need Rules for Walking on Grass
Golf has rules.
A lot of them.
There are rules about your ball, your clubs, your stance, your score and exactly how many times you’re allowed to swear before somebody’s wife hears you from the clubhouse.
But then there is golf etiquette.
Golf etiquette is different.
Golf etiquette is the collection of mysterious, unwritten rules developed over approximately 400 years to ensure that nobody has too much fun.
Especially at a private club.
Because apparently hitting a tiny ball with a metal stick isn’t enough.
You also need to know which shirt collar is socially acceptable.
RULE #1: KNOW YOUR PLACE
At a public course, you arrive, pay your green fee and play golf.
At a private club, you arrive and immediately become aware that somebody’s grandfather may have donated a tree.
You don’t simply walk through the clubhouse.
You enter the clubhouse.
There is a difference.
You lower your voice.
You straighten your shirt.
You suddenly become concerned about whether your shoes are sufficiently respectable.
A gentleman in the corner looks at you.
You have never met him.
He has somehow determined that your polo shirt is from last season.
You begin questioning every decision you’ve made since birth.
RULE #2: DRESS APPROPRIATELY
Golf clubs have dress codes.
This makes sense.
You don’t want someone turning up in board shorts, thongs and a singlet.
But some private clubs appear to have dress codes written by a committee that hasn’t encountered a human body since 1974.
“No denim.”
Fair enough.
“No cargo shorts.”
Understandable.
“No shirts without collars.”
Okay.
“No hats in the clubhouse.”
Sure.
“Hat must be removed when entering the dining room.”
Fine.
“Golf shoes must not be worn in the lounge.”
Reasonable.
“Golf attire must not be worn in certain areas.”
Now we’re getting complicated.
At this point you’re carrying three outfits in the car.
One for golf.
One for the clubhouse.
One for the mysterious room where apparently only people named Rupert are allowed to eat.
RULE #3: DON’T TALK DURING SOMEONE’S SWING
This is probably the most important rule in golf.
You don’t talk while someone is hitting.
You don’t cough.
You don’t sneeze.
You don’t move.
You don’t breathe aggressively.
You certainly don’t say:
“Nice shot.”
before they’ve hit it.
This is punishable by immediate social execution.
But somehow, the same person who demands absolute silence during their backswing will spend the next three holes telling you about their daughter’s university application.
Golf etiquette is apparently:
Silence when I play.
Conversation when I play badly.
RULE #4: DON’T WALK ON THE PUTTING LINE
Never walk across someone’s putting line.
This is sacred.
Ancient civilizations have fewer rules around burial sites.
You can walk beside it.
Behind it.
Around it.
You can apparently perform minor surgery beside it.
But don’t step on the line.
Because if the ball misses by three inches:
“You walked on my line.”
You didn’t.
The green was simply innocent bystander in a catastrophic display of putting.
But nobody wants to hear that.
RULE #5: REPAIR YOUR DIVOTS
Replace your divot.
Fix your pitch marks.
Rake the bunker.
These are good rules.
They keep the course playable.
But there is something beautifully ridiculous about watching a grown man spend four minutes carefully repairing a microscopic patch of grass…
…after just launching a golf ball 70 metres into the wrong fairway.
“Can’t leave the course like that.”
Mate, your golf ball is currently in another postcode.
But the divot?
Perfectly restored.
RULE #6: THE BUNKER
Always rake the bunker.
This is particularly important at an exclusive private club where the sand apparently costs more per kilogram than your first car.
You enter.
You hit the ball.
It goes six metres.
You walk out.
Then you carefully rake every footprint.
Because someone else deserves to have the exact same miserable experience you just had.
That’s etiquette.
RULE #7: KNOW WHO YOU’RE PLAYING WITH
Private golf has another fascinating form of etiquette.
You need to know who is who.
There’s the member.
The guest.
The committee member.
The former committee member.
The person who was nearly on the committee.
The person who thinks they should have been on the committee.
And the mysterious older gentleman who apparently has been a member since 1963 and therefore possesses constitutional authority over the 14th hole.
You don’t know his name.
But you know not to argue with him.
RULE #8: THE CLUBHOUSE VOICE
There is a special voice golfers use inside a private clubhouse.
It’s quieter than normal conversation.
But not quite a whisper.
Something between:
“Good afternoon.”
and
“I have recently inherited a vineyard.”
You hear:
“Lovely weather we’re having.”
“Indeed.”
“Course is running beautifully.”
“Very nicely.”
“Lunch?”
“Perhaps.”
Nobody says:
“Mate, I just four-putted the 8th and nearly threw my putter into the lake.”
That conversation is reserved for the car park.
RULE #9: DON’T BE THAT GUY
Every club has one.
The bloke who knows every rule.
He knows the local rule.
He knows the temporary local rule.
He knows what happened in 1987.
He knows where the committee stood on it.
He knows what the Rules of Golf say.
He knows what the Rules of Golf used to say.
You hit your ball.
It lands near a tree.
Before you’ve even reached it:
“Technically, under Rule 16.1b…”
Mate.
I’m just trying to find it.
RULE #10: THE 19TH HOLE HAS ITS OWN ETIQUETTE
This is where things become complicated.
At the bar, your score is confidential.
There are certain numbers that should never be spoken aloud.
For example:
“I shot 107.”
is perfectly acceptable.
But:
“I shot 107, but it was actually closer to 98 because…”
is dangerous territory.
Nobody wants the explanation.
You played badly.
We all played badly.
That’s why we’re drinking.
And there is an unwritten rule at every golf club:
Never ask what someone shot unless you’re prepared to tell them your score first.
This is known as the Geneva Convention of Golf.
THE GREAT EQUALITY OF GOLF
And here’s the funny thing about all this etiquette.
You can be a captain.
You can be a millionaire.
You can have belonged to the club for 40 years.
You can have a locker with your name engraved on it.
You can know the chairman.
You can have a membership number that begins with a 1.
None of it matters when you stand on the first tee.
Because the golf course doesn’t care.
It doesn’t care about your watch.
It doesn’t care about your car.
It doesn’t care whether your shirt cost $40 or $400.
And it certainly doesn’t care whether your family has been members since the clubhouse was built.
You can still hit your opening drive directly into a tree.
And when you do, there is one piece of etiquette that transcends every private club, every dress code and every social hierarchy.
Your playing partner will look at you.
You will look at them.
And one of you will eventually say:
“Good strike.”
Even though it absolutely wasn’t.
That’s golf etiquette.
And frankly, it’s probably the most important rule of all.
Welcome to the club.
Now please tuck your shirt in.
Apparently someone is watching. 👀
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