The Ultimate Triumph of Hope Over Evidence
Golf is the only sport where paying less attention can sometimes improve performance. Your brain spends all day solving problems, then a tiny white ball teaches it that “trying too hard” is the problem. Somewhere on Earth, at this exact moment, a 72-year-old retiree with one knee brace and a sandwich in his pocket is striping drives straighter than elite athletes. You can spend $4,000 on clubs and still get emotionally defeated by a patch of grass called “the rough.” Golf is technically a walk interrupted by brief moments of existential philosophy. Every golfer secretly believes the next swing will unlock hidden genius. It never stops. A single perfect 7-iron can emotionally sustain a human being for six months. The sport is built on the insane premise that humans can repeatedly hit a sphere smaller than a lemon into a hole smaller than a coffee mug from 400 metres away using angled metal sticks… and sometimes it actually works.
Golf proves humans are irrationally hopeful. A person can hit 97 terrible shots and one beautiful shot, then drive home thinking:
“I’m close.”
The ball does not care about your income, education, status, confidence, or personal growth journey. It responds only to physics and vibes. Golf courses are enormous parks where adults willingly pay money to become temporarily furious at geometry.
A bad golfer and a professional golfer both experience the exact same delusion before every tee shot:
“This one’s going to be unbelievable.” Golf is one of the few activities where losing a ball in plain sight feels like a paranormal event. The average golfer is essentially conducting a lifelong scientific experiment on whether confidence can survive repeated evidence. Somewhere out there is a person who has broken every major habit in life except “buying another putter to fix everything.” Golfers will stand in total silence for someone swinging a club… then immediately scream “GET IN THE HOLE” while the ball is still ascending into orbit. It’s possible to ruin an entire round with one hole… and completely heal your spirit with one shot five minutes later. Golf has the emotional regulation profile of a thunderstorm.
Golf is deeply optimistic because every course begins with a blank scorecard. The universe says:
“Despite all previous evidence, perhaps today you are Rory McIlroy.”
Rory McIlroy A golfer can play the exact same course 200 times and still arrive believing they’ve finally “figured something out.” This is either madness or enlightenment. The game accidentally teaches Zen philosophy:
- Don’t force outcomes.
- Stay present.
- Accept suffering.
- Carry snacks.
- Tiny improvements matter.
- Trees are not personal enemies.
Golf carts are evidence humanity invented tiny electric chariots because walking while disappointed was too inefficient. One flushed iron shot feels so disproportionately good that it suggests humans may actually be programmable through dopamine. Golf balls…little balls of dopamine chased around a theme park cut from nature. Jump on board for a wild ride and adventure. Below are some of our best observations and confessions….
Hall of Shanks
20 of the Best Residing in the Hall of Skill and Mystery Misery
If it is on the list it’s worth a giggle or a smirk or maybe… you know someone…oops…no name and shame here…that stays on the 19th.
1. “I paid $140 to become furious outdoors.”
Golf is the only sport where you voluntarily ruin your Saturday, lose 11 balls, destroy your self-esteem, and still say, “Yeah, keen again next week.”
2. “I told everyone I shot an 84.”
That score was calculated using creative accounting methods usually reserved for offshore corporations.
3. “I absolutely looked for my ball longer than the rules allow.”
If I paid for 18 holes, I’m getting 18 holes.
I’ll search that bush until the Australian government declares me missing.
4. “I said ‘nice shot’ through gritted teeth.”
Nothing tests emotional maturity like watching your mate accidentally pure a shot after topping the previous six like a wounded warthog.
5. “I own clubs way better than my ability.”
My driver cost more than my first car and still manages to send the ball directly into another postcode.
6. “I blamed the greens.”
Brother, you three-putted from four feet.
The green didn’t ruin your round — your nervous system did.
7. “I’ve given swing advice while being completely unqualified.”
“Keep your left arm straighter.”
Meanwhile my own swing looks like a man fighting invisible bees.
8. “I got irrationally angry at a sand bunker.”
At some point it stops being a ‘hazard’ and starts feeling like a personal attack from the course designer.
9. “I pretended I wasn’t keeping score.”
Oh I was keeping score.
Yours.
Mine.
The group behind us.
The pensioner on Hole 3.
And I remembered every single collapse.
10. “I called it a ‘practice swing.’”
Strange how my practice swings never hit the ground, but the real swing looks like I’m excavating for minerals.
11. “I bought new clubs instead of fixing my swing.”
Because clearly the issue wasn’t 17 years of terrible mechanics — it was the shaft flex.
12. “I’ve said ‘be the right club’ immediately after absolutely murdering the ball.”
Brother, that thing just entered low Earth orbit.
13. “I became a meteorologist after one bad shot.”
“Oh the wind picked up.”
Did it?
Or did you just swing like a folding chair in a cyclone?
14. “I refuse to hit provisionals.”
That first ball is alive.
I can feel it.
Somewhere out there under three snakes and a family of possums.
15. “I’ve acted humble after a good shot.”
“Ah lucky bounce.”
Meanwhile internally I’m preparing my acceptance speech for the PGA Tour.
16. “I’ve had a complete emotional breakdown on Hole 14.”
The front nine was optimism.
The back nine was a live psychological unravelling witnessed by strangers in polo shirts.
17. “I’ve judged people entirely based on their pre-shot routine.”
If it takes you longer than airport security to hit a 40-metre slice into a dam, we need to have a conversation.
18. “I’ve celebrated out loud before the ball stopped rolling.”
Nothing humbles a human faster than screaming “GET INNNN!” before watching the ball lip out and roll back to Western Australia.
19. “I’ve blamed my playing partners for my score.”
Apparently hearing someone unzip a bag 40 metres away is why I snap-hooked a drive into a retirement village.
20. “I’ve lied about not caring.”
“Oh nah mate, just good to be out here.”
Incorrect.
I would happily trade three years off my lifespan to break 80.
Bonus Confession:
“I’ve stood over a one-foot putt like it was to win The Masters, despite being a 23-handicap accountant named Darren.”
Until next time…
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