- “I’m not inconsistent — I consistently surprise myself.”
- “Golf is the art of turning confidence into forestry.”
- “My swing coach deserves hazard pay.”
- “I don’t hit worm burners. I provide low-altitude entertainment.”
- “The only thing smoother than my backswing is my ability to ignore bad advice and keep doing the same thing.”
- “Golf is 10% technique and 90% pretending the last hole didn’t happen.”
- “I’ve mastered the rare skill of hitting every club the same distance.”
- “Some people meditate. I stand over a three-footer fighting demons.”
- “I play ready golf. The course is ready for me to leave.”
- “Nothing says optimism like reloading after the first tee shot.”
- “My ball flight has a strong independent spirit.”
- “I don’t choke under pressure. I collapse creatively.”
- “Golf carts have seen some things.”
- “I can read greens perfectly. Shame about the putting.”
- “The best part of my round is the story I tell afterwards.”
- “I’ve spent thousands on golf just to become aggressively average.”
- “You know it’s a bad round when even the ducks look concerned.”
- “My swing path is less ‘inside-out’ and more ‘choose your own adventure.’”
- “Golf is basically expensive hide-and-seek.”
- “I’m one lesson away from fixing everything. I’ve been one lesson away for years.”
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